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WARNING: You’ll have to have suffered by way of the 1979 “Star Trek: The Movement Image,” the worst Star Trek film ever made, to make sense of what follows…
Kirk: “Captain’s log, star date 2. There’s a extremely large factor on the market headed for earth, and it’s inflicting Interstellar Web communications issues. I’ve been requested to give up my standing as Admiral to captain the Enterprise, changing Captain Decker, who will likely be appearing Commander. I’ve organized for Dr. McCoy to hitch us, in addition to the Deltan lady Ilea.”
[Kirk enters the bridge]
Crew: “Admiral Kirk!”
Kirk: “It’s good to see you all. I see no person however me has been promoted.”
Dr. McCoy (a.ok.a. Bones): “Permission to come back aboard?”
Kirk: “Granted. I’m glad we have been in a position to override your part 8 discharge.”
Bones: “I used to be drafted.”
Kirk: “We want you, Bones. There’s a factor on the market headed for earth.”
[long pause]
Kirk: “Aren’t you going to argue about my use of the phrase ‘factor’?”
Bones: “I’m a physician, not an etymologist.”
[The Deltan woman with a shaved head, Ilia, beams aboard]
Crew: “Welcome aboard, Ilia.”
Ilia: “Thanks. Fingers off, Kirk. My oath of being single however not able to mingle is on report.”
Kirk to Crew: “Oookay. Anyway, we’ve been notified of a Klingon house station in bother.”
[Crew assembles in large conference room to watch the video. On screen are two Klingons panicking]
Klingon 1: “Grishoch. Ha, hananna ha.”
Klingon 2: “Nanoo nanoo.”
Pink Shirt 1: “What are they saying?”
Pink Shirt 2: “Shhh… simply learn the subtitles.”
Uhura: “Captain, the communications from that station have stopped.”
Kirk: “Sulu, hearth up ThousandEyes to search out the situation of the communications bottleneck.”
Sulu: “It seems that the block is between Romulus and Remus.”
Kirk: “Sulu, set course for Romulus, Warp 10.”
Sulu: “Aye, sir.”
[Enterprise arrives near the “thing”]
[Crew gasps in awe]
Uhura: “It’s monumental.”
Chekov: “We’ve by no means encountered something like this earlier than.”
[Crew continues to gasp]
Kirk: “Put it on visible, Chekov.”
[Crew gasps louder]
Kirk: “Spock, evaluation?”
Spock: “Sugar, dextrose, gum base…”
Scotty: “What are these large indentations on the facet?”
Uhura: “They seem like enamel marks… Captain, now I’m getting a Federation message that every one the wads of chewing gum underneath college desks and theater seats have disappeared.”
Kirk: “Spock?”
Spock: “What seems to be a cloud is definitely an unlimited wad of ABC gum headed for earth.”
Kirk: “Might this be associated to the lacking gum wads?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “How may gum intervene with communications?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “Is it Thursday, Mr. Spock?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Kirk: “What good are you, anyway?”
Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”
Ilia: “Field workplace attraction.”
Spock: “Zip it, baldy.”
[Suddenly lightning strikes Ilia. She disappears. When she reappears, she’s been turned into a robot with perfectly logical skimpy clothes and stiletto heels]
Ilia: “I’m talking for Rout-Er, despatched to speak with carbon items. I’m in search of Creator Cisco.”
Spock: “It seems that an historical spacecraft has mysteriously developed right into a Cisco router, and it’s protected by a large wad of already been chewed gum.”
Kirk: “We are able to’t get on the router with all of the gum in the best way.”
Spock: “I recommend connecting the Enterprise exhaust pipes to the bubblegum. We are able to blow an enormous bubble till it pops.”
Kirk: “Decker, I would like you and Ilea to attach the pipes.”
Decker, Ilea: “Why us?”
Kirk: “It’s harmful and also you aren’t regulars from the TV collection.”
[Decker and Ilea enter a shuttle craft]
Scotty: [panicking] “Captain, she canna take it way more. One other 15 seconds and the warp drives will soften down for positive!”
Kirk: “Scotty, we haven’t began but.”
Scotty: “Sorry, I simply haven’t had a line for therefore lengthy…”
Kirk: “High quality, Mr. Scott, it’s time to use energy now.”
[sound of engines roaring]
Scotty: “Captain, she canna take…”
Kirk: [interrupts] “Extra energy, Mr. Scott.”
Spock: “It’s the final word bubble.”
[sound of explosion]
Kirk: “Spock, now that now we have clear entry, use Meraki and Python to hook up with Rout-Er and reprogram it to work correctly.”
Spock: “Finished. We’ve got saved the Interstellar Web.”
[later, crew is calm on the bridge with Kirk in the captain’s chair, determined not to return to star dock yet]
Sulu: “Course, sir?”
Kirk: [emotional and nostalgic] “Out… there…”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “That-a-way.”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “Over yonder.”
Sulu: “The place, sir?”
Kirk: “Oh, simply dangle a left.”
[Music swells and credits roll]
Solid
Kirk: Slim Shady
Mr. Spock: Elrond
Commander Decker: Troy Donahue
Ilea: Telly Savalas
Dr. McCoy/Bones: Rod Steiger
Scotty: Alan Younger
Sulu: Mr. Miyagi
Chekov: Vladimir Putin
Uhura: Whitney Houston
Klingon #1: John Fetterman
Klingon #2: Mitch McConnell
Pink Shirt #1: Andrew Lopatin
Pink Shirt #2: DeLynn Kelly
Writers: [names withheld to protect the guilty]
Producer: Vlad the Impaler
Particular Results: Crayola
Music: Carried out by Tinky the Texas Cockatiel
# # #
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