as a result of I faithfully reply to each e mail from the absurd
gods of urgency who punish my good deeds by leaving me
empty after I empty my inbox … as a result of I reward hating
myself, damaged into my calendar’s time-slotted duties, slicing
me skinny with the thick responsibility of being every thing but nothing
to anybody, not even to me … as a result of I keep in mind birthdays
however overlook my very own and my mom’s … as a result of she is bitter
candy because the Cuban espresso she brews after Sunday dinners …
as a result of she loves me solely within the language of her cooking
my favourite dish: shrimp enchilados … due to my bland
father sunk in his armchair with out me on his lap … as a result of
he by no means advised me the life story I learn solely within the half
moons of his eyes the morning he gazed into mine, then
died … as a result of my brother and I have to drink to share
our shared damage at completely satisfied hour, so unhappily grateful for
love’s wreckage … as a result of my husband, who’s nonetheless scared
of his adoration for me as we embrace sleep, nonetheless doubts
how lengthy I’ll nest my goals in his arms … as a result of I’ve
by no means fairly advised him: at all times … as a result of I’m simply as afraid of
needing him greater than myself … as a result of I’m not the one
I’ve curated on Instagram: oh so humbled by, so grateful for,
so many posted blessings with my posed selves … as a result of
tonight I once more keep in mind I’m nothing greater than a mirage
slowly disappearing on my porch, sitting with half the life
I’ve left, nonetheless making an attempt to piece how I match into the puzzle of
the constellations … as a result of I’ve drunk their pictures of sunshine
and too many martinis … as a result of I’m cheering mindlessly
to the moon, to my want for immortality amid the clouds
of my very own cigarette smoke … as a result of I ought to lastly give up
doubting my life can be greater than these nameless bones
… as a result of I have to consider in one thing else, more true than
me … that’s why right this moment I needed to take myself away
to the seaside … as a result of I wanted to think about my father as
that father on the shore, handing a bouquet of seashells to
his son … as a result of I wanted to style that love might be easy
as a mom remembering to pack sodas and sandwiches …
as a result of I wanted the seagulls tending the horizon to show
me once more to be as nonetheless as them, to see calmly into the void
of the skies I face … as a result of I wanted to listen to the waves
break and break me into the strains of this poem … as a result of
I wanted to burn, to see myself shine simply as superbly
because the rosy glow of the daylight bathing my closed eyes.
